In Memory Of Ryan

 

This is the older of our two buildings at church, as pictured in 2001.

When I first began experiencing symptoms of severe depression, back in the summer of 2013... Ryan O'Neal, an elder at our church, was the first one to reach out and call me. I've never forgotten that.

I began attending Calvary in 1998. It took me a while, but eventually (in November of 2000) I got baptized and became an official member of this church here in Woodbridge VA. About two months afterward... I met Ryan for the first time, on the night of the Super Bowl between the Ravens and the Giants.

It was then that I learned that, he too, had very recently joined Calvary and had just begun teaching in our "junior church" program. Similar to Sunday School but the program was held during the 11:00 worship service and was geared towards the 1st-5th graders. Originally, the kids were divided up into age groups and met in separate classrooms on the second floor of the newer building... it was essentially, through the end of the 2000-01 school year, an extension of their 9:30 hour Sunday School.

I volunteered to work in the junior church ministry (my very first ministry at Calvary) about a week or two later. Teachers were rotated by month, meaning I'd be on the schedule for every Sunday during the month I was assigned, and the effort was made to pair two teachers for every room. Ryan and I ended up working together as co-teachers during at least one of the months (and I think, a second one, as well) before the decision was made to re-format the junior church ministry.

By the first Sunday of September 2001, the junior church program had been moved to the original building (the one pictured above) and was set up as more of a traditional worship service for the kids... complete with music followed by the sermon.

Ryan was the one who would give the sermon, as he was much more gifted in that area than I was. My primary responsibility was to open the service with a brief welcome/announcements/opening prayer segment and then let Mr. O'Neal take over from there.

Ryan was a phenomenal speaker and preacher and he had a great passion for the Lord. I knew it had a big impact on the kids. As things would turn out, I served as the opener for only two weeks. On September 16th (the third Sunday of the month)... after much deliberation and prayer and in light of the terrible events that had just taken place in our country earlier in the week, I felt a greater need than ever to be in the worship service that morning. It ended up being a permanent move.

As fas as I know however... Ryan never stepped down from his role as the leader of our junior church ministry. Nearly every Sunday for the next 21 years, he faithfully preached and taught the word of God to an entire generation of our church's elementary aged students... serving as a great role model and impacting hundreds if not thousands of lives.

And I think it bears worth mentioning that he was an encourager and a friend to adults too, as evidenced by what I wrote in the opening of this letter.

Ryan passed away, very unexpectedly, this past Thursday the 18th of August. He will be greatly missed by us all, but at least I hope we can take comfort in knowing he is in the presence of the Lord now... where there is no more mourning, no more crying, nor pain anymore. (Revelation 21:4)

Please be in prayer for Ryan's family during this difficult time, as well as our church congregation. Thank you.

In Due Season

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” -Galatians 6:9

I think I can honestly testify to this. If we’re willing to wait, patiently, on God long enough… in time, He will answer our prayers. Most likely, it will happen when we least expect it. In God’s perfect timing. In due season.

When I last wrote here, it was in January. I was dealing with quite a lot of uncertainty and great stress as I truly, for the first real time ever, had come face to face with my own mortality (with the diagnosis of a chronic heart condition) and agonized over what it all meant for my career and my life going forward. Even more, I was still seeking answers to prayers for my living situation and better (MUCH better!) job opportunities. As of January, at the time of my last post on this blog, these prayers continued to remain unanswered… even after many years. Waiting. Patiently. Well, okay, sometimes not so patiently.

But I did not give up. And then… in due season, God answered.

Now in the post I previously referred to, titled “From The Heart”, I went into great detail covering everything that was going on leading up to Christmas 2021. As such, I won’t repeat the whole story here but… there is a piece I left out. Two days before Christmas, on the 23rd, I had to go to Fairfax to get my medical re-certification done. Being as the clinic was just off Route 50 and pretty close to Arlington, I decided to go and do something I’d been wanting to do for quite some time. After I was finished at the clinic, I drove on out to Gravelly Point. It’a a little park in Arlington, accessible by the George Washington Parkway, that sits right between the Potomac River and Reagan National Airport. From what I had heard, it offers quite a spectacular view of planes taking off from and landing at Reagan, otherwise known by its airport code “DCA.”

While I absolutely do NOT like flying, I do enjoy watching them from the ground. My visit to Gravelly Point on that morning definitely did not disappoint. Those planes fly right over the park and are very close when they pass!

But again, I am perfectly happy watching from the ground as long as I am not on board one of those things! I’ve only ever flown twice in my entire life, and the last time was in 1998. Interestingly enough though, as a side note, one of my very earliest memories in life was of my very first plane ride. It was in 1981 and I was only 3 years old. We (my mom and dad, and sister and I) were traveling from this very same airport, known only as “National” at the time as Reagan himself had only just begun his first term in the White House... on a one-way trip to Boston due to the sudden passing of my grandmother. I actually do not recall the vast majority of that flight, but there is one image that stands out and is very vivid, even four decades later.

It was right after taking off. In order to avoid the restricted airspace above the nation’s capitol, planes departing DCA to the north have to make a rather sharp bank to the left almost immediately after lifting off the runway. That motion can be quite startling to unsuspecting passengers, such as the three year old boy sitting by the window on the left side of the plane. It’s probably why I remember it. In response, I happened to look out the window and remember just being absolutely amazed at how tiny all the streets and cars and people were! For some reason, that image has stayed with me all this time… much like a photograph.

Speaking of photographs (and getting back on topic), I was able to capture quite a number of pictures and videos on that morning at the park. I also took some time to reflect and ponder some things. Having just gotten re-certified to drive commercially again following the scary cardiac incident I had experienced, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was really worth it. After all, I had been praying for a long time over the prospect of moving on to a better career. I really wanted to be off the road. Yearned for that, in fact. I knew somewhere out there, there was a better job and a better life for me. As I sat and watched yet another plane lift its wheels off the runway and fly right over me, I quietly wondered what it would be like to work at the airport.

I tucked that thought away to the corner of my mind, figuring I would revisit that idea sometime later. Then I headed back “home.” Well, not really home.. just back to the motel that I had been staying in for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, in late January, I once again separated from the trucking company I was working for… only two months after my hire date. I (somewhat half-heartedly) began looking into other jobs but I just couldn’t make it work out financially. So, regrettably, I put myself back in the driver’s seat… this time with a company that had a yard down near Richmond. My 4th employer within only 15 months… after having had only three different employers over the course of the 14 years prior to 2020. At the time, I said to myself “this is it… this is my last ride, no matter what.” It had to be!  I was getting really REALLY weary at this point!

Through the middle of March, things at my new “job” were pretty uneventful. Until the morning I was to return to duty following a weekend off. March 14th. I had a dream that morning, a type of flashback really, about the fatal truck crash which I had witnessed in real life back in 2014. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’d had one of those dreams (as those of you who’ve been following me for a while know quite well)… but it was the final straw.

I could no longer continue to drive for a living, and I knew it. So, I applied for a job at the airport. And I prayed like I hadn’t in many years. And I waited, and prayed… and then prayed some more.

And… God answered!

On March 30th, I was hired by Piedmont, a subsidiary of American Airlines as a ramp agent… a part of the ground crew team stationed out of DCA. That is, at Washington Reagan National Airport in Arlington, Virginia.

As if that wasn’t enough of an answer to prayer… almost simultaneously, I was offered a room in a real house to stay in (by someone in church I’ve known for over 20 years) with rent at a mere fraction of what I was paying at the motel.  I checked out of that motel in Dumfries one last time just a few days later and moved into the new house… officially becoming a Dale City resident again (where I grew up) for the first time in nearly 8 years! The house is so close to my old middle school, as well as the townhouse I lived in while attending that school.

It was all quite an unbelievable yet spectacular turn of events. It was just what I had been waiting on, and then some, for such a long time!  In due season.

In closing, I just want to say… there are really no words I could type here that could possibly convey just how much joy I really felt (and still do feel) over finally being off the road and in a much more stable position in my life now. The timeline of things that happened which led up to this turning point... the little details like the trip to Gravelly Point and even the recollection of one of my earliest memories in life, as well as  countless others... is a story that really could only be written and woven together by God Himself. In due season.

It’s not perfect by any means (nothing in this life here on earth really is), and the new job certainly isn’t an easy one, but it’s so much better than it was before. A long long awaited answer to prayer! It was definitely worth waiting for!

I'll say it again. It was... most definitely... worth waiting for!

I am not a truck driver anymore. The end of the road... finally came about!

From The Heart

Scared. Overwhelmed. And very much alone. That’s the way it appears I am starting 2022.

***Of note... I originally wrote this out last night on the Vocal platform. However it's taking forever for it to go through, as they have to review and approve all posts before they are published.***

It’s been quite a long while, a little over a year in fact, since I last published anything here on Vocal. I had some drafts I’d been working on, including the last two installments of the 2020 story… but then I began a new job in January and had very little time to keep up with writing. The new job started off great… the first half of 2021 was probably the most productive few months I’ve ever had over the course of my 17 year career.

Beginning around Easter though, I began experiencing some subtle signs that things weren’t quite right. I used to always enjoy going on long walks… and on several occasions over the years, I’d walk (rather than drive) the 5 to 6 miles to church on Sundays whenever I was home. So when I arrived home a couple days before Easter in April, I set out do it again. But it was different this time. It was way more exhausting and even painful than it had ever been before. I brushed it off, however. I was just out of shape, I reasoned. Even though I’d just made that same walk (without any issues) the month before, and also the month before that. And the month before that.

I began wrestling with bouts of unusual fatigue in June. It wasn’t continuous; it would just come and go… for no apparent reason. Again, I brushed it off. After all, I work about 70 hours in a week. I just needed some extra rest…. and sometimes that really would help! Other times, though, it would not.

Finally, late in the month of August, I had a full blown panic attack while I was off duty and at home. I decided I was going to have to (temporarily, anyway) step down from my job… then make plans to get to a doctor and have it checked out. Although, as it happened, I didn’t… I brushed it off again. Stressful job, I reasoned. Long hours. Perhaps instead I just needed a break… not to mention a change of scenery too. I packed up my stuff and headed to Maine, living with family while I recuperated.

After a couple months went by, I began to feel more confident that I could return to work in my field… and so I did. I would have liked to return to my old job, but that would mean I’d have to travel all the way out to Ohio to start the orientation process all over again. So I found a trucking company whose main headquarters were in Maine and I applied to work there. It was a much smaller company than what I’d always been used to, but I was hired on relatively quickly. Right off the bat, I knew this was not going to be an easy transition though. It was the hardest trucking job I’ve ever worked at, as it was their practice to work all their drivers to the point of exhaustion… dictating exactly when, where, and for how long drivers were permitted rest breaks. Micromanagement... that would be the word here. Not exactly the autonomy and independence that is the norm for long-haul truckers… and definitely not what I was accustomed to.

Still, I made the best of the situation. It was the highest paying job I’ve ever had, and it didn’t take very long at all to build up a sizable amount of savings. I knew that they had other locations closer to my home state of Virginia too… so just after Thanksgiving, I made plans to move back home. I was approved to take a short leave of absence (despite the fact that I was still a relatively new hire) so that I could make the transition… and I arrived back in Virginia on Friday December 10th.

The following morning, Saturday December 11th, it hit me. Just before 11:00, I sat down at my computer and was suddenly hit with waves of nausea and lightheadedness immediately followed by a very painful squeezing sensation in the center of my chest. I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks before… but this was definitely not one of those. I had never experienced this before. It felt like someone taking their fist and reaching into my chest and clenching it from the inside… it was excruciating. And unlike anxiety attacks I’ve had before, in which I normally end up frantically pacing back and forth and pulling out my hair, all I wanted to do was lie down in bed in a curled up position. My very first thought in fact was “I wonder if I should go to the hospital?” I hesitated, while waiting to see if the pain and other feelings would pass. After all, I’m only 44 years old and hospitals aren’t exactly cheap. The pain went away after about 15 minutes, and thankfully didn’t return. Because if it had lasted any longer than it did, or came back again later, I would have gone to the hospital. I was unusually tired for the remainder of the day but I woke up the next morning feeling much better… and so, I went to church as if nothing had happened.

I ended up making an appointment, and going to the doctor to get it checked out anyway later in the week. He checked my blood pressure twice… the first reading was 146/104 and the second one was even worse at 158/99. Both being way too high, he put me on blood pressure medication immediately and referred me to a cardiologist as well. I was also required (by my employer) to have another physical exam to get re-certified before I could be cleared to drive again. I met with the cardiologist the following week, on the 22nd, where I took an EKG test. My blood pressure had been brought down to a more normal level by that time but I was told the EKG reading was “abnormal” and I’d have to come back in a few weeks for an echocardiogram (an ultrasound of my heart) and an exercise stress test.

The next day, on the 23rd, I went to Concentra to get the re-certification. I passed, and was given a new medical card good for one year. I never mentioned the cardiac incident from the 11th, or the visits with the cardiologist, to this particular doctor… only that I was on medication to control blood pressure. Which is all I needed, legally, in order to be cleared to drive commercially again. Perhaps, looking back, maybe I should have.

I made plans to return to work the day after Christmas. I actually had a very nice day on the 25th, being more thankful than ever before that I was around to see another Christmas… in light of all that I’d gone through over the past two weeks. I spent the late morning/early afternoon visiting with old friends I hadn’t seen since well before the pandemic began nearly two years ago… then dinner that evening with another group of good friends. Then, it was time to go back to work.

I was very unenthusiastic about going back though. I was quite uneasy actually… in the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake off the thought that I’d indeed had a heart attack. What if it happens again? In retrospect, I should have gone with my instinct and headed straight to the hospital that morning of the 11th. It’s very rare for me to experience any kind of physical symptom and immediately begin considering emergency medical treatment. On the other hand, I knew the expenses of such would be sky high. Not to mention, with the current health crisis going on, maybe it was better that I waited it out after all.

My next week at work was even more physically strenuous and exhausting than it had been before. While it had been rather warm leading up to Christmas, the weather all over the place quickly turned much colder. So much so that parts of my truck began freezing up… parts that I needed to work properly. Like the lever I have to pull on whenever I disconnect from a trailer. An ordinarily simple task became a feat of strength as I’d tug on the frozen lever… and we switched trailers pretty often here. This can’t be good for my heart, I thought. But at least I only had to work for about 8 days before it was time to return home for my next round of appointments and tests.

The echocardiogram came first, on Wednesday January 5th. The exercise stress test would come the following day. After both were done, the cardiologist reviews the results with me. It was a mixed bag of good and not-so-good news. The tests revealed no evidence of any heart muscle damage caused by a heart attack but they did reveal an enlargement of the right side of my heart, a condition known as “cardiomegaly.” The heart doc was also concerned about the calf pain I began experiencing almost as soon as I began walking on the treadmill. He mentioned the possibility that I had a pulmonary issue which was causing the cardiomegaly and instructed me to continue on the blood pressure medication and to also make a couple lifestyle changes before coming back in another couple months to re-test. He forwarded the results to my primary doctor so I could follow up with him.

So, I went back to my primary doctor this past Monday… the 10th of January. Mostly so I could get some questions answered, as I was having some difficulty getting any straight answers from the cardiologist and I knew my regular doc could explain things much better.

A clear explanation is exactly what I got, but it left me feeling a wide range of emotions. My doctor explained to me that the cardiomegaly is a type of heart failure, often caused by high blood pressure, which causes a thickening of the heart muscle which in turn leads to the heart not pumping as efficiently as it’s supposed to. This was the reason for the bouts of fatigue, and the worse than normal pain experienced when engaging in physical activity (such as long walks). He assured me that it was a manageable condition, and that the bp meds are designed to treat this… and they’ll help stop (or at least significantly slow down) any worsening of the condition.

So there it is. I have a chronic heart condition. Manageable yes, but something I have to live with most likely for the rest of my life, however long that may be. How do I even come to terms with news like that? I’m too young to have that. Granted, I’m not the young man I once was but… I’m not old enough to have this. I’m overwhelmed. What does this mean for my work and career now? Truck driving isn’t exactly my cup of tea (and hasn’t been for many years either), but it’s the most convenient and reliable source of income for me at this time. Should I retire and/or switch careers? How do I finance this? What is this going to cost me? Should I start putting together a bucket list now? I’m all alone in this too. How do I even explain this to anyone else, when I’m having such a hard time fully believing it myself? And even if I could explain it, everyone has their own problems so why should anyone care? I have so many more questions and uncertainties… far too many to write them all down here. I’m too young to have this. I’m not ready for this… for any of this. I’m 44! I was just 24 yesterday! I was just 14 the day before that!!!

No one really knows for sure how much time any of us has here on earth. I take some comfort in reading the words of Revelation, Chapter 21, verse 4. "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Still at the same time, I'm bewildered and overwhelmed.

These are honestly really my very candid thoughts as I’m experiencing them at the moment. I know I’ll find a way to overcome this. I’ve overcome a vast array of stressful challenges over the course of these past five to six years… this one won’t be any different. At least, I hope so anyway.