To my dear friends and followers,
It is Saturday morning, August 28th, as I'm sitting down to begin writing this down.. about 7:30 AM. August 2021 has been a rough month. The worst month of the year for me, to this point.
Really, this whole summer has been a drag... but it came to a very low point about two weeks ago.
To give a little context... in early July, I was rehired by a trucking company that I worked with through the first few months of the year before taking a personal leave of absence beginning early in the month of May. I'm not going to disclose the name of my employer here on my blog, but I will tell you that those first few months of the year with them were very pleasant and very productive. It was a much needed good experience, after the disastrous year I went through in 2020.
Through working with them, I was able to quickly resolve the financial issues that, in part, caused a great deal of strain during the second half of the previous year. I was not only surviving; I was thriving. I even managed to earn enough to finally replace my old SUV... which I kind of had no choice but to do, as the "Blue Beast" (as I like to call it) died on the freeway only 17 miles from the company yard. Blown engine, with an astronomical estimated cost to replace... well more than the old rusty Ford was worth.
So I bought a Kia. A bit of a downsize, and not really my first choice... but it was a really nice little car with only 52K miles and in excellent condition. So finally, I resumed the trip back home (500 miles still to go) in my new ride.
Anyway, to make a long story short... my leave of absence was not intended to go on for as long as it did. Two to three weeks, I figured, at most. Unfortunately, the process of registering the new Kia turned out to be quite lengthy. The covid restrictions made it necessary for the DMV to change their policies, and all transactions which could not be done online were by appointment only. The wait list to get an appointment, depending on location, was anywhere from two weeks to several months long. And it didn't help that the dealer waited an entire 30 days before mailing me the certificate of title, which I needed in order to register the new car.
But I finally got it done on June 9th... which just so happened to be the Friday before our church kicked off its annual (expect for 2020... for obvious reasons) week long Vacation Bible School. I stayed and helped out there the following week, and then began making my way back out to the midwest to resume my normal duties at work.
I felt pretty good about going back, especially after my first stint with this company was surprisingly successful. Unfortunately, things just didn't quite go nearly as well the second time around.
I picked up my first loaded trailer only to discover it had a flat tire. Ended up taking a full day to repair as the closest shop had a rather long wait time... and I was at the end of the line. Got it fixed finally and started heading down the road. Then had a blowout on another trailer tire.
Two tires within the first couple days. About a week later, I had an unfortunate incident in a work zone right outside Charleston WV. Sideswiped by another truck who took out my mirror, and didn't even stop... a hit and run! Snapped the cord on the air horn in the process whilst trying to get his attention. I mean, the cord just broke... rendering the air horn inoperable at that point. Until I could get it fixed anyway. Not to mention the mirror too. More down time.
I finally got to take my first weekend off (since returning to work) at home July 30th to August 2nd. Although it was a very late arrival home Friday night, the weekend was a wonderful respite... like a diamond in the rough. Got some rest, got to church for the first time in over a month... and between a swim meet I went to Saturday and a Sunday afternoon lunch with a few friends, some much needed social interaction after weeks of isolation on the road.
I still wasn't quite thrilled about going back to work Monday morning. But, I thought, maybe these next couple weeks will be better. I booked my next home time to begin on Friday August 13th, and specifically requested to be in the Carlisle PA yard no later than 2 PM on that day... so I could get down to VA for a special play that my church was putting on that night.
Which brings me to the point, roughly two weeks ago, where it all began to really unravel. It was the morning of Thursday August 12th. I was sitting in a truck stop just north of Richmond VA, after spending nearly all of the previous day driving around on a kind of a scavenger hunt to locate an empty trailer... so I could get to Williamsburg for my next load to Canton OH. Alas, after all that running around, I still had no trailer! I messaged my driver manager, letting him know I was not going to be able to make the next load and still get back to PA before the specific time of 2 PM Friday which I had requested.
Then, the most unbelievable thing happened. My driver manager got right to work with the planners and came up with something else. Had me deadhead (that is, drive empty) to the yard in PA to pick up a load to deliver right down the street. I could get started on it as soon as I was ready.
I can't describe to you just how much of a relief that was. With this new plan, I was not only going to make it home on time... I was going to get home early! Super early, with plenty of time to spare! Needless to say, I got started on it right away. Got the load delivered later that evening.
I guess what happened next was inevitable. The new load assignment came over the board... like a carrot dangling on a stick. Pick this one up tomorrow morning down in York PA... 11:00, live load (meaning trailer is being loaded while I'm on site... waiting). Drop in Carlisle yard, then you can go home.
I didn't make it out of the shipper in York until just after 3 PM that Friday. My spirits dashed, there was no longer any need for me to hurry... so rather than taking it straight to the yard, I parked it overnight at a truck stop just a few miles away. I'd just go to the yard in the morning to drop it.
I ended up tuning in to the live stream of the play, using my phone... from the sleeper bunk of my cab. It was a great show, but it really wasn't the same not being there. I was very upset over the whole thing, and began to seriously think about my eventual departure from the cold world of trucking. I certainly wasn't going to quit right on the spot (even though I really did want to), but I did take an extra day off while I was at home... to return Tuesday morning, instead of the originally planned Sunday afternoon.
On Monday, I spoke with my driver manager and confirmed my time and date of availability... set for Tuesday August 17th at 11:00 AM. Later that night, the new load assignment came over the board. I read through the details of the plan... head to NJ, then from there pick up a load and head towards Massachusetts... to deliver to Middleboro, a town right outside the Boston area, on Wednesday morning. That's when things began to really take a turn for the worst.
Out of nowhere, waves of panic came over me and I broke out in a cold sweat. Intrusive memories of a past time and place, and an event which I thought I'd gotten over a long time ago... came racing back.
It was the middle of the night, between 1:00 to 2:00 in the morning, on Thursday October 23rd 2014. I was driving a load up to Massachusetts to deliver to Plympton, a town right outside the Boston area... and had just crossed the Tappanzee Bridge on I-287 over the Hudson River. It was pouring down rain... in fact, it had been steadily raining all the way here from around Harrisburg PA. The tractor trailer that had stalled out blocking both the right and center lanes had no lights on, but I somehow managed to see it in time to get around it. The car that was about a half mile back apparently did not.
I can't really recall much of what took place after that. All I remember is looking out the right side mirror after I passed and watching as the rapidly approaching headlights suddenly disappeared behind the broken down truck... and the feeling that something horrific had just happened.
That image stayed with me for a very long time. For the better part of two years, I experienced frequent intrusive memories and nightmares. More times than I can count, I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat... just before slamming into the back of the stalled out truck. Gradually over time, the episodes became much less frequent and less severe... but it wasn't until the spring of 2017 before I was finally able to work again.
Now of course... it was August 16th of 2021. I was having my worst episode in several years, and even began experiencing a symptom I've never had before. Chest pains. The kind of chest pain that should have prompted a call for emergency help... but I didn't make that call. I instead tried to lay down in bed hoping maybe if I could relax... I could sleep it off. If not, then I'd just let whatever was going to happen... just happen.
I woke up the following morning just before 8:00. Knowing it was planned for me to be back at work at 11:00 that morning and that it was a three hour drive... I spoke with my driver manager. Told him (without going into detail) I had a medical emergency and wouldn't be in that day... and didn't know when I'd make it back in. The week came and went and I stayed home in VA. The chest pain went away and has not returned. But the agitation and anxiety still remained, as well as deep feelings of despair and helplessness.
This past Tuesday, I was informed I'd have to make arrangements to clean out the truck and return the keys... due to the length of time I had been off duty. So I made a day trip up there and back to get that taken care of. I was assured I could re-apply when I got better, but I just don't know if or when that may be.
Is this the end of the road, as it pertains to my 17 year career in trucking? That, I can't say. I've wanted to leave the industry for quite some time now. But I don't exactly have the financial stability to be able to switch careers. I've thought (actually I've seriously considered) moving up into a management or safety position within the industry... even though those kinds of positions are harder to obtain (but not necessarily impossible) without a college degree.
I guess we'll see what happens. Somehow at the same time, I need to get a hold of my mental health and anxiety issues. Preferably, a long term solution that would prevent these episodes from continuing to interfere in my life at the most inconvenient times.
I'm greatly troubled and distressed over the fact that my second stint at my new employer was not as successful as my first one. Agonizing over it, in fact. I wanted to be able to finish on a high note, and ride off into the sunset when it came time to start a new career. Never wanted it to end (if it really is ending) like this!
Prayers would be most appreciated. God will work it out, some way or another.
