In Memory Of Ryan

 

This is the older of our two buildings at church, as pictured in 2001.

When I first began experiencing symptoms of severe depression, back in the summer of 2013... Ryan O'Neal, an elder at our church, was the first one to reach out and call me. I've never forgotten that.

I began attending Calvary in 1998. It took me a while, but eventually (in November of 2000) I got baptized and became an official member of this church here in Woodbridge VA. About two months afterward... I met Ryan for the first time, on the night of the Super Bowl between the Ravens and the Giants.

It was then that I learned that, he too, had very recently joined Calvary and had just begun teaching in our "junior church" program. Similar to Sunday School but the program was held during the 11:00 worship service and was geared towards the 1st-5th graders. Originally, the kids were divided up into age groups and met in separate classrooms on the second floor of the newer building... it was essentially, through the end of the 2000-01 school year, an extension of their 9:30 hour Sunday School.

I volunteered to work in the junior church ministry (my very first ministry at Calvary) about a week or two later. Teachers were rotated by month, meaning I'd be on the schedule for every Sunday during the month I was assigned, and the effort was made to pair two teachers for every room. Ryan and I ended up working together as co-teachers during at least one of the months (and I think, a second one, as well) before the decision was made to re-format the junior church ministry.

By the first Sunday of September 2001, the junior church program had been moved to the original building (the one pictured above) and was set up as more of a traditional worship service for the kids... complete with music followed by the sermon.

Ryan was the one who would give the sermon, as he was much more gifted in that area than I was. My primary responsibility was to open the service with a brief welcome/announcements/opening prayer segment and then let Mr. O'Neal take over from there.

Ryan was a phenomenal speaker and preacher and he had a great passion for the Lord. I knew it had a big impact on the kids. As things would turn out, I served as the opener for only two weeks. On September 16th (the third Sunday of the month)... after much deliberation and prayer and in light of the terrible events that had just taken place in our country earlier in the week, I felt a greater need than ever to be in the worship service that morning. It ended up being a permanent move.

As fas as I know however... Ryan never stepped down from his role as the leader of our junior church ministry. Nearly every Sunday for the next 21 years, he faithfully preached and taught the word of God to an entire generation of our church's elementary aged students... serving as a great role model and impacting hundreds if not thousands of lives.

And I think it bears worth mentioning that he was an encourager and a friend to adults too, as evidenced by what I wrote in the opening of this letter.

Ryan passed away, very unexpectedly, this past Thursday the 18th of August. He will be greatly missed by us all, but at least I hope we can take comfort in knowing he is in the presence of the Lord now... where there is no more mourning, no more crying, nor pain anymore. (Revelation 21:4)

Please be in prayer for Ryan's family during this difficult time, as well as our church congregation. Thank you.

In Due Season

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” -Galatians 6:9

I think I can honestly testify to this. If we’re willing to wait, patiently, on God long enough… in time, He will answer our prayers. Most likely, it will happen when we least expect it. In God’s perfect timing. In due season.

When I last wrote here, it was in January. I was dealing with quite a lot of uncertainty and great stress as I truly, for the first real time ever, had come face to face with my own mortality (with the diagnosis of a chronic heart condition) and agonized over what it all meant for my career and my life going forward. Even more, I was still seeking answers to prayers for my living situation and better (MUCH better!) job opportunities. As of January, at the time of my last post on this blog, these prayers continued to remain unanswered… even after many years. Waiting. Patiently. Well, okay, sometimes not so patiently.

But I did not give up. And then… in due season, God answered.

Now in the post I previously referred to, titled “From The Heart”, I went into great detail covering everything that was going on leading up to Christmas 2021. As such, I won’t repeat the whole story here but… there is a piece I left out. Two days before Christmas, on the 23rd, I had to go to Fairfax to get my medical re-certification done. Being as the clinic was just off Route 50 and pretty close to Arlington, I decided to go and do something I’d been wanting to do for quite some time. After I was finished at the clinic, I drove on out to Gravelly Point. It’a a little park in Arlington, accessible by the George Washington Parkway, that sits right between the Potomac River and Reagan National Airport. From what I had heard, it offers quite a spectacular view of planes taking off from and landing at Reagan, otherwise known by its airport code “DCA.”

While I absolutely do NOT like flying, I do enjoy watching them from the ground. My visit to Gravelly Point on that morning definitely did not disappoint. Those planes fly right over the park and are very close when they pass!

But again, I am perfectly happy watching from the ground as long as I am not on board one of those things! I’ve only ever flown twice in my entire life, and the last time was in 1998. Interestingly enough though, as a side note, one of my very earliest memories in life was of my very first plane ride. It was in 1981 and I was only 3 years old. We (my mom and dad, and sister and I) were traveling from this very same airport, known only as “National” at the time as Reagan himself had only just begun his first term in the White House... on a one-way trip to Boston due to the sudden passing of my grandmother. I actually do not recall the vast majority of that flight, but there is one image that stands out and is very vivid, even four decades later.

It was right after taking off. In order to avoid the restricted airspace above the nation’s capitol, planes departing DCA to the north have to make a rather sharp bank to the left almost immediately after lifting off the runway. That motion can be quite startling to unsuspecting passengers, such as the three year old boy sitting by the window on the left side of the plane. It’s probably why I remember it. In response, I happened to look out the window and remember just being absolutely amazed at how tiny all the streets and cars and people were! For some reason, that image has stayed with me all this time… much like a photograph.

Speaking of photographs (and getting back on topic), I was able to capture quite a number of pictures and videos on that morning at the park. I also took some time to reflect and ponder some things. Having just gotten re-certified to drive commercially again following the scary cardiac incident I had experienced, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was really worth it. After all, I had been praying for a long time over the prospect of moving on to a better career. I really wanted to be off the road. Yearned for that, in fact. I knew somewhere out there, there was a better job and a better life for me. As I sat and watched yet another plane lift its wheels off the runway and fly right over me, I quietly wondered what it would be like to work at the airport.

I tucked that thought away to the corner of my mind, figuring I would revisit that idea sometime later. Then I headed back “home.” Well, not really home.. just back to the motel that I had been staying in for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, in late January, I once again separated from the trucking company I was working for… only two months after my hire date. I (somewhat half-heartedly) began looking into other jobs but I just couldn’t make it work out financially. So, regrettably, I put myself back in the driver’s seat… this time with a company that had a yard down near Richmond. My 4th employer within only 15 months… after having had only three different employers over the course of the 14 years prior to 2020. At the time, I said to myself “this is it… this is my last ride, no matter what.” It had to be!  I was getting really REALLY weary at this point!

Through the middle of March, things at my new “job” were pretty uneventful. Until the morning I was to return to duty following a weekend off. March 14th. I had a dream that morning, a type of flashback really, about the fatal truck crash which I had witnessed in real life back in 2014. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’d had one of those dreams (as those of you who’ve been following me for a while know quite well)… but it was the final straw.

I could no longer continue to drive for a living, and I knew it. So, I applied for a job at the airport. And I prayed like I hadn’t in many years. And I waited, and prayed… and then prayed some more.

And… God answered!

On March 30th, I was hired by Piedmont, a subsidiary of American Airlines as a ramp agent… a part of the ground crew team stationed out of DCA. That is, at Washington Reagan National Airport in Arlington, Virginia.

As if that wasn’t enough of an answer to prayer… almost simultaneously, I was offered a room in a real house to stay in (by someone in church I’ve known for over 20 years) with rent at a mere fraction of what I was paying at the motel.  I checked out of that motel in Dumfries one last time just a few days later and moved into the new house… officially becoming a Dale City resident again (where I grew up) for the first time in nearly 8 years! The house is so close to my old middle school, as well as the townhouse I lived in while attending that school.

It was all quite an unbelievable yet spectacular turn of events. It was just what I had been waiting on, and then some, for such a long time!  In due season.

In closing, I just want to say… there are really no words I could type here that could possibly convey just how much joy I really felt (and still do feel) over finally being off the road and in a much more stable position in my life now. The timeline of things that happened which led up to this turning point... the little details like the trip to Gravelly Point and even the recollection of one of my earliest memories in life, as well as  countless others... is a story that really could only be written and woven together by God Himself. In due season.

It’s not perfect by any means (nothing in this life here on earth really is), and the new job certainly isn’t an easy one, but it’s so much better than it was before. A long long awaited answer to prayer! It was definitely worth waiting for!

I'll say it again. It was... most definitely... worth waiting for!

I am not a truck driver anymore. The end of the road... finally came about!

From The Heart

Scared. Overwhelmed. And very much alone. That’s the way it appears I am starting 2022.

***Of note... I originally wrote this out last night on the Vocal platform. However it's taking forever for it to go through, as they have to review and approve all posts before they are published.***

It’s been quite a long while, a little over a year in fact, since I last published anything here on Vocal. I had some drafts I’d been working on, including the last two installments of the 2020 story… but then I began a new job in January and had very little time to keep up with writing. The new job started off great… the first half of 2021 was probably the most productive few months I’ve ever had over the course of my 17 year career.

Beginning around Easter though, I began experiencing some subtle signs that things weren’t quite right. I used to always enjoy going on long walks… and on several occasions over the years, I’d walk (rather than drive) the 5 to 6 miles to church on Sundays whenever I was home. So when I arrived home a couple days before Easter in April, I set out do it again. But it was different this time. It was way more exhausting and even painful than it had ever been before. I brushed it off, however. I was just out of shape, I reasoned. Even though I’d just made that same walk (without any issues) the month before, and also the month before that. And the month before that.

I began wrestling with bouts of unusual fatigue in June. It wasn’t continuous; it would just come and go… for no apparent reason. Again, I brushed it off. After all, I work about 70 hours in a week. I just needed some extra rest…. and sometimes that really would help! Other times, though, it would not.

Finally, late in the month of August, I had a full blown panic attack while I was off duty and at home. I decided I was going to have to (temporarily, anyway) step down from my job… then make plans to get to a doctor and have it checked out. Although, as it happened, I didn’t… I brushed it off again. Stressful job, I reasoned. Long hours. Perhaps instead I just needed a break… not to mention a change of scenery too. I packed up my stuff and headed to Maine, living with family while I recuperated.

After a couple months went by, I began to feel more confident that I could return to work in my field… and so I did. I would have liked to return to my old job, but that would mean I’d have to travel all the way out to Ohio to start the orientation process all over again. So I found a trucking company whose main headquarters were in Maine and I applied to work there. It was a much smaller company than what I’d always been used to, but I was hired on relatively quickly. Right off the bat, I knew this was not going to be an easy transition though. It was the hardest trucking job I’ve ever worked at, as it was their practice to work all their drivers to the point of exhaustion… dictating exactly when, where, and for how long drivers were permitted rest breaks. Micromanagement... that would be the word here. Not exactly the autonomy and independence that is the norm for long-haul truckers… and definitely not what I was accustomed to.

Still, I made the best of the situation. It was the highest paying job I’ve ever had, and it didn’t take very long at all to build up a sizable amount of savings. I knew that they had other locations closer to my home state of Virginia too… so just after Thanksgiving, I made plans to move back home. I was approved to take a short leave of absence (despite the fact that I was still a relatively new hire) so that I could make the transition… and I arrived back in Virginia on Friday December 10th.

The following morning, Saturday December 11th, it hit me. Just before 11:00, I sat down at my computer and was suddenly hit with waves of nausea and lightheadedness immediately followed by a very painful squeezing sensation in the center of my chest. I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks before… but this was definitely not one of those. I had never experienced this before. It felt like someone taking their fist and reaching into my chest and clenching it from the inside… it was excruciating. And unlike anxiety attacks I’ve had before, in which I normally end up frantically pacing back and forth and pulling out my hair, all I wanted to do was lie down in bed in a curled up position. My very first thought in fact was “I wonder if I should go to the hospital?” I hesitated, while waiting to see if the pain and other feelings would pass. After all, I’m only 44 years old and hospitals aren’t exactly cheap. The pain went away after about 15 minutes, and thankfully didn’t return. Because if it had lasted any longer than it did, or came back again later, I would have gone to the hospital. I was unusually tired for the remainder of the day but I woke up the next morning feeling much better… and so, I went to church as if nothing had happened.

I ended up making an appointment, and going to the doctor to get it checked out anyway later in the week. He checked my blood pressure twice… the first reading was 146/104 and the second one was even worse at 158/99. Both being way too high, he put me on blood pressure medication immediately and referred me to a cardiologist as well. I was also required (by my employer) to have another physical exam to get re-certified before I could be cleared to drive again. I met with the cardiologist the following week, on the 22nd, where I took an EKG test. My blood pressure had been brought down to a more normal level by that time but I was told the EKG reading was “abnormal” and I’d have to come back in a few weeks for an echocardiogram (an ultrasound of my heart) and an exercise stress test.

The next day, on the 23rd, I went to Concentra to get the re-certification. I passed, and was given a new medical card good for one year. I never mentioned the cardiac incident from the 11th, or the visits with the cardiologist, to this particular doctor… only that I was on medication to control blood pressure. Which is all I needed, legally, in order to be cleared to drive commercially again. Perhaps, looking back, maybe I should have.

I made plans to return to work the day after Christmas. I actually had a very nice day on the 25th, being more thankful than ever before that I was around to see another Christmas… in light of all that I’d gone through over the past two weeks. I spent the late morning/early afternoon visiting with old friends I hadn’t seen since well before the pandemic began nearly two years ago… then dinner that evening with another group of good friends. Then, it was time to go back to work.

I was very unenthusiastic about going back though. I was quite uneasy actually… in the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake off the thought that I’d indeed had a heart attack. What if it happens again? In retrospect, I should have gone with my instinct and headed straight to the hospital that morning of the 11th. It’s very rare for me to experience any kind of physical symptom and immediately begin considering emergency medical treatment. On the other hand, I knew the expenses of such would be sky high. Not to mention, with the current health crisis going on, maybe it was better that I waited it out after all.

My next week at work was even more physically strenuous and exhausting than it had been before. While it had been rather warm leading up to Christmas, the weather all over the place quickly turned much colder. So much so that parts of my truck began freezing up… parts that I needed to work properly. Like the lever I have to pull on whenever I disconnect from a trailer. An ordinarily simple task became a feat of strength as I’d tug on the frozen lever… and we switched trailers pretty often here. This can’t be good for my heart, I thought. But at least I only had to work for about 8 days before it was time to return home for my next round of appointments and tests.

The echocardiogram came first, on Wednesday January 5th. The exercise stress test would come the following day. After both were done, the cardiologist reviews the results with me. It was a mixed bag of good and not-so-good news. The tests revealed no evidence of any heart muscle damage caused by a heart attack but they did reveal an enlargement of the right side of my heart, a condition known as “cardiomegaly.” The heart doc was also concerned about the calf pain I began experiencing almost as soon as I began walking on the treadmill. He mentioned the possibility that I had a pulmonary issue which was causing the cardiomegaly and instructed me to continue on the blood pressure medication and to also make a couple lifestyle changes before coming back in another couple months to re-test. He forwarded the results to my primary doctor so I could follow up with him.

So, I went back to my primary doctor this past Monday… the 10th of January. Mostly so I could get some questions answered, as I was having some difficulty getting any straight answers from the cardiologist and I knew my regular doc could explain things much better.

A clear explanation is exactly what I got, but it left me feeling a wide range of emotions. My doctor explained to me that the cardiomegaly is a type of heart failure, often caused by high blood pressure, which causes a thickening of the heart muscle which in turn leads to the heart not pumping as efficiently as it’s supposed to. This was the reason for the bouts of fatigue, and the worse than normal pain experienced when engaging in physical activity (such as long walks). He assured me that it was a manageable condition, and that the bp meds are designed to treat this… and they’ll help stop (or at least significantly slow down) any worsening of the condition.

So there it is. I have a chronic heart condition. Manageable yes, but something I have to live with most likely for the rest of my life, however long that may be. How do I even come to terms with news like that? I’m too young to have that. Granted, I’m not the young man I once was but… I’m not old enough to have this. I’m overwhelmed. What does this mean for my work and career now? Truck driving isn’t exactly my cup of tea (and hasn’t been for many years either), but it’s the most convenient and reliable source of income for me at this time. Should I retire and/or switch careers? How do I finance this? What is this going to cost me? Should I start putting together a bucket list now? I’m all alone in this too. How do I even explain this to anyone else, when I’m having such a hard time fully believing it myself? And even if I could explain it, everyone has their own problems so why should anyone care? I have so many more questions and uncertainties… far too many to write them all down here. I’m too young to have this. I’m not ready for this… for any of this. I’m 44! I was just 24 yesterday! I was just 14 the day before that!!!

No one really knows for sure how much time any of us has here on earth. I take some comfort in reading the words of Revelation, Chapter 21, verse 4. "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall their be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Still at the same time, I'm bewildered and overwhelmed.

These are honestly really my very candid thoughts as I’m experiencing them at the moment. I know I’ll find a way to overcome this. I’ve overcome a vast array of stressful challenges over the course of these past five to six years… this one won’t be any different. At least, I hope so anyway.

NFL Week Two Wrap-Up

Welcome back. This is my second weekly NFL blog post (last week was posted exclusively to my facebook page, but the post has been made publicly viewable.)

Week Two of the NFL... where we all take what we knew for sure after week one and toss it out the window.

I actually did slightly better on my picks this week, improving from 10-6 week one to 11-5 for week two.

The games I got right... Washington (Thursday), Broncos, Bills, Browns, RAMS, Patriots, Panthers, Cardinals, Buccaneers, Cowboys, and Packers.

The ones I got wrong... Eagles, Steelers, Bengals, Seahawks, and Chiefs.

A few notes...

-First of all, you might have noticed that I fully capitalized and bolded the Rams while listing the teams I correctly picked to win. The reason... the final score of 27-24 was exactly what I wrote down when I made the picks. For as long as I've been following the NFL and making weekly picks, it is only the second time I've ever accurately predicted the final score and winning team. The only other time that's ever happened... was nearly 30 years ago... and it just so happened to be the Super Bowl following the 1991 season, in which I picked Washington to beat Buffalo by a final score of 37-24. So naturally, I had to give myself some accolades... as it's a pretty rare occurrence.

-Still, despite getting 11 out of 16 winning teams right... I think I could have easily done better. I should have known not to get too high on the Eagles after their dominant win over a Falcons team that has been quite simply awful, really ever since their loss to the Patriots in the Super Bowl a few years ago, and seemingly sinks lower and lower each year. The Steelers too... their road victory over the resurgent Bills in week one was impressive, but I should have seen a home match with the Raiders as the classic letdown spot that it was... especially considering the old rivalry between the two has been largely one-sided in favor of the Silver and Black in recent years.

So now, going into the third week of the 2021 season, there remain only 7 teams that are undefeated... while another 7 teams are still looking for that first win. For my last segment of this post, I'll break down the 7 undefeated teams into two categories... either "Proceed With Caution" or "Start Shopping For Those Playoff Tickets" Likewise, I'll divide the 0-2 teams into "R-E-L-A-X" or "Panic!"

Proceed With Caution...

-Denver Broncos... Looks like they finally got a good quarterback to complement their already great defense. I'm liking what I've seen from them so far, but... I'd wait and see how they do when they play against a good team before I start shopping for playoff tickets.

-Las Vegas Raiders... It's still September. Remember, they were 2-0 last year too.

-San Francisco 49ers... If they can stay healthy, they're a Super Bowl contender but... injuries concern with me with this team. For some reason, the injury bug always seems to hit them harder than most other teams in the league.

-Arizona Cardinals... Seemingly out of nowhere, they blew out the Titans on the road in week one and I was very high on them. And then... they were very lucky to escape with a narrow win at home over the Vikings last week. The Cardinals were very up and down last year and it seems they're starting that way again here in 2021. Until I see more consistency from this team, I'll proceed with caution.

Start Shopping For Those Playoff Tickets...

-Los Angeles Rams... Quarterback play has held them back in recent years, but now they've got Stafford. Their schedule (outside their own division) really isn't all that hard once they get past this week's matchup with the reigning champs. Some of their upcoming (non-divisional) opponents... Giants, Lions, Texans, Jaguars, Vikings as well as some winnable games against teams that may be on the decline in Green Bay and Baltimore.

-Carolina Panthers... They've really been looking good (especially on defense) and, like the Rams, their schedule is pretty favorable.

-Tampa Bay Buccaneers... The only thing I wouldn't really count on is a 17-0 regular season. I do think you can probably even get away with shopping for NFC Championship game tickets now, though.

Lastly, the 0-2 teams...

R-E-L-A-X...

-Minnesota Vikings... It's a long season and remember, they do play in the (terrible!) NFC North.

-Indianapolis Colts... It's a long season and remember, they do play in the (terrible!) AFC South.

Panic!...

-Detroit Lions... They may have the effort, but they don't have the talent. I don't think the effort alone will be enough to win the division, not even in the weak NFC North.

-New York Giants... Their division rivals Washington, Dallas, and Philadelphia all got better, they didn't. It's not their year.

-New York Jets... They're just not very good.

-Jacksonville Jaguars... They're bad.

-Atlanta Falcons... They're really really bad!

That's it for this week folks. Thanks for tuning in!

Maybe... The End Of The Road?

 To my dear friends and followers,

It is Saturday morning, August 28th, as I'm sitting down to begin writing this down.. about 7:30 AM. August 2021 has been a rough month. The worst month of the year for me, to this point.

Really, this whole summer has been a drag... but it came to a very low point about two weeks ago.

To give a little context... in early July, I was rehired by a trucking company that I worked with through the first few months of the year before taking a personal leave of absence beginning early in the month of May. I'm not going to disclose the name of my employer here on my blog, but I will tell you that those first few months of the year with them were very pleasant and very productive. It was a much needed good experience, after the disastrous year I went through in 2020.

Through working with them, I was able to quickly resolve the financial issues that, in part, caused a great deal of strain during the second half of the previous year. I was not only surviving; I was thriving. I even managed to earn enough to finally replace my old SUV... which I kind of had no choice but to do, as the "Blue Beast" (as I like to call it) died on the freeway only 17 miles from the company yard. Blown engine, with an astronomical estimated cost to replace... well more than the old rusty Ford was worth.

So I bought a Kia. A bit of a downsize, and not really my first choice... but it was a really nice little car with only 52K miles and in excellent condition. So finally, I resumed the trip back home (500 miles still to go) in my new ride.

Anyway, to make a long story short... my leave of absence was not intended to go on for as long as it did. Two to three weeks, I figured, at most. Unfortunately, the process of registering the new Kia turned out to be quite lengthy. The covid restrictions made it necessary for the DMV to change their policies, and all transactions which could not be done online were by appointment only. The wait list to get an appointment, depending on location, was anywhere from two weeks to several months long. And it didn't help that the dealer waited an entire 30 days before mailing me the certificate of title, which I needed in order to register the new car.

But I finally got it done on June 9th... which just so happened to be the Friday before our church kicked off its annual (expect for 2020... for obvious reasons) week long Vacation Bible School. I stayed and helped out there the following week, and then began making my way back out to the midwest to resume my normal duties at work.

I felt pretty good about going back, especially after my first stint with this company was surprisingly successful. Unfortunately, things just didn't quite go nearly as well the second time around.

I picked up my first loaded trailer only to discover it had a flat tire. Ended up taking a full day to repair as the closest shop had a rather long wait time... and I was at the end of the line. Got it fixed finally and started heading down the road. Then had a blowout on another trailer tire.

Two tires within the first couple days. About a week later, I had an unfortunate incident in a work zone right outside Charleston WV. Sideswiped by another truck who took out my mirror, and didn't even stop... a hit and run! Snapped the cord on the air horn in the process whilst trying to get his attention. I mean, the cord just broke... rendering the air horn inoperable at that point. Until I could get it fixed anyway. Not to mention the mirror too. More down time.

I finally got to take my first weekend off (since returning to work) at home July 30th to August 2nd. Although it was a very late arrival home Friday night, the weekend was a wonderful respite... like a diamond in the rough. Got some rest, got to church for the first time in over a month... and between a swim meet I went to Saturday and a Sunday afternoon lunch with a few friends, some much needed social interaction after weeks of isolation on the road.

I still wasn't quite thrilled about going back to work Monday morning. But, I thought, maybe these next couple weeks will be better. I booked my next home time to begin on Friday August 13th, and specifically requested to be in the Carlisle PA yard no later than 2 PM on that day... so I could get down to VA for a special play that my church was putting on that night.

Which brings me to the point, roughly two weeks ago, where it all began to really unravel. It was the morning of Thursday August 12th. I was sitting in a truck stop just north of Richmond VA, after spending nearly all of the previous day driving around on a kind of a scavenger hunt to locate an empty trailer... so I could get to Williamsburg for my next load to Canton OH. Alas, after all that running around, I still had no trailer! I messaged my driver manager, letting him know I was not going to be able to make the next load and still get back to PA before the specific time of 2 PM Friday which I had requested.

Then, the most unbelievable thing happened. My driver manager got right to work with the planners and came up with something else. Had me deadhead (that is, drive empty) to the yard in PA to pick up a load to deliver right down the street. I could get started on it as soon as I was ready.

I can't describe to you just how much of a relief that was. With this new plan, I was not only going to make it home on time... I was going to get home early! Super early, with plenty of time to spare! Needless to say, I got started on it right away. Got the load delivered later that evening.

I guess what happened next was inevitable. The new load assignment came over the board... like a carrot dangling on a stick. Pick this one up tomorrow morning down in York PA... 11:00, live load (meaning trailer is being loaded while I'm on site... waiting). Drop in Carlisle yard, then you can go home.

I didn't make it out of the shipper in York until just after 3 PM that Friday. My spirits dashed, there was no longer any need for me to hurry... so rather than taking it straight to the yard, I parked it overnight at a truck stop just a few miles away. I'd just go to the yard in the morning to drop it.

I ended up tuning in to the live stream of the play, using my phone... from the sleeper bunk of my cab. It was a great show, but it really wasn't the same not being there. I was very upset over the whole thing, and began to seriously think about my eventual departure from the cold world of trucking. I certainly wasn't going to quit right on the spot (even though I really did want to), but I did take an extra day off while I was at home... to return Tuesday morning, instead of the originally planned Sunday afternoon.

On Monday, I spoke with my driver manager and confirmed my time and date of availability... set for Tuesday August 17th at 11:00 AM. Later that night, the new load assignment came over the board. I read through the details of the plan... head to NJ, then from there pick up a load and head towards Massachusetts... to deliver to Middleboro, a town right outside the Boston area, on Wednesday morning. That's when things began to really take a turn for the worst.

Out of nowhere, waves of panic came over me and I broke out in a cold sweat. Intrusive memories of a past time and place, and an event which I thought I'd gotten over a long time ago... came racing back.

It was the middle of the night, between 1:00 to 2:00 in the morning, on Thursday October 23rd 2014. I was driving a load up to Massachusetts to deliver to Plympton, a town right outside the Boston area... and had just crossed the Tappanzee Bridge on I-287 over the Hudson River. It was pouring down rain... in fact, it had been steadily raining all the way here from around Harrisburg PA. The tractor trailer that had stalled out blocking both the right and center lanes had no lights on, but I somehow managed to see it in time to get around it. The car that was about a half mile back apparently did not.

I can't really recall much of what took place after that. All I remember is looking out the right side mirror after I passed and watching as the rapidly approaching headlights suddenly disappeared behind the broken down truck... and the feeling that something horrific had just happened.

That image stayed with me for a very long time. For the better part of two years, I experienced frequent intrusive memories and nightmares. More times than I can count, I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat... just before slamming into the back of the stalled out truck. Gradually over time, the episodes became much less frequent and less severe... but it wasn't until the spring of 2017 before I was finally able to work again.

Now of course... it was August 16th of 2021. I was having my worst episode in several years, and even began experiencing a symptom I've never had before. Chest pains. The kind of chest pain that should have prompted a call for emergency help... but I didn't make that call. I instead tried to lay down in bed hoping maybe if I could relax... I could sleep it off. If not, then I'd just let whatever was going to happen... just happen.

I woke up the following morning just before 8:00. Knowing it was planned for me to be back at work at 11:00 that morning and that it was a three hour drive... I spoke with my driver manager. Told him (without going into detail) I had a medical emergency and wouldn't be in that day... and didn't know when I'd make it back in. The week came and went and I stayed home in VA. The chest pain went away and has not returned. But the agitation and anxiety still remained, as well as deep feelings of despair and helplessness.

This past Tuesday, I was informed I'd have to make arrangements to clean out the truck and return the keys... due to the length of time I had been off duty.  So I made a day trip up there and back to get that taken care of. I was assured I could re-apply when I got better, but I just don't know if or when that may be.

Is this the end of the road, as it pertains to my 17 year career in trucking? That, I can't say. I've wanted to leave the industry for quite some time now. But I don't exactly have the financial stability to be able to switch careers. I've thought (actually I've seriously considered) moving up into a management or safety position within the industry... even though those kinds of positions are harder to obtain (but not necessarily impossible) without a college degree.

I guess we'll see what happens. Somehow at the same time, I need to get a hold of my mental health and anxiety issues. Preferably, a long term solution that would prevent these episodes from continuing to interfere in my life at the most inconvenient times.

I'm greatly troubled and distressed over the fact that my second stint at my new employer was not as successful as my first one. Agonizing over it, in fact. I wanted to be able to finish on a high note, and ride off into the sunset when it came time to start a new career. Never wanted it to end (if it really is ending) like this!

Prayers would be most appreciated. God will work it out, some way or another.

NFL 2020, Week 8

Tonight, we kick off week 8 of the 2020 NFL regular season, and I am back again with another round of game picks.

I managed to go 7-6 last week (leaving out Thursday's game). Looking to do better this week. Here goes...

Atlanta at Carolina... First game of the slate takes place tonight. If the Atlanta Falcons have any chance of turning their season around, it has to begin tonight... and even then, they may have to run the table. While they most likely won't win out, I do like their chances tonight to avoid being swept by their division rival in Carolina. Atlanta wins, 31-28.

Indianapolis at Detroit... The Detroit Lions escaped with a close win last week and are now sitting on a 3-3 record. They look pretty average to me. Detroit wins another close one, 24-23.

Minnesota at Green Bay... Running back Dalvin Cook is expected to return after missing some time due to injury, giving the Vikings another key offensive weapon for this game in Lambeau. This should help them keep this game closer than the first meeting between these two in week one. Green Bay wins, 38-34.

New England at Buffalo... Sadly, I think the Patriots are done. Buffalo wins, 23-20.

Tennessee at Cincinnati... The Bengals have been hanging around in games and eventually they're going to catch someone sleeping. In my upset pick of the week, Titans kicker Stephen Gostkowski misses a game-tying extra point after a late touchdown drive and Cincinnati wins, 28-27.

Las Vegas at Cleveland... Expect a high scoring affair here and Las Vegas wins, 48-40.

NY Jets at Kansas City... I'm picking the Jets to win this football game. Sike! Kansas City wins, 45-7.

L.A. Rams at Miami... It's Tua time in Miami! Too bad he has to go against the Rams defense in his very first NFL start. Los Angeles wins, 27-17.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore... The Steelers are now the only undefeated team remaining, after narrowly escaping Tennessee with a win last week. Now, they get the Ravens in Baltimore. One of the best rivalries in football, this could be a preview of the AFC Championship game. Baltimore wins, 27-24.

L.A. Chargers at Denver... I think Justin Herbert and the Chargers offense come back down to earth Sunday in Denver. First of two meetings between these division rivals, I'm giving the edge to the home team in this one. Denver wins, 20-19.

New Orleans at Chicago... The Bears have a great defense but they can't get it going on offense. They'll have a tough time against the Saints this week, especially with their top receiver banged up. I think the Saints go marching into Soldier Field and easily take this one. New Orleans wins, 27-14.

San Francisco at Seattle... After a disappointing loss to the Cardinals last week (their first of the year), look for Seattle to get back on track at home against a banged up 49ers squad. Seattle wins, 30-26.

Dallas at Philadelphia... Sunday night game. Primetime. I don't think it's going to go very well for Dallas in this one... or any of their remaining games, for that matter. Philadelphia wins, 38-7.

Tampa Bay at NY Giants... Finally, the last one of the slate. Monday night at the Meadowlands. The Giants have been known to give Tom Brady fits in the past... and though they're not winning games, they have been competing. I wouldn't be surprised if the Giants keep this one close, but ultimately the Bucs are the better team and will prevail. Tampa Bay wins, 31-24.

That's it for this week. Enjoy the games!

NFL 2020, Week 7

 It's been a while since I've done this. Having had an illness which has kept me out from work all this week... I've had some time to think about, and come up with, some projections for this week's slate of NFL games. Minus Thursday's game (since it's already past), in which Daniel Jones and the Giants stumbled their way to a double digit fourth quarter lead before Carson Wentz and the Eagles came flying back to win a surprisingly fun game to watch, 22-21.

I'll go through each of the remaining 13 games on the slate, pick the winner and score, tossing in a few insights as well.

Buffalo at NY Jets... I expect this one to be over well before halftime. The Jets are bad, and this is a good "get right" spot for Buffalo following two tough losses. Buffalo wins, 40-17.

Pittsburgh at Tennessee... The Steelers and Titans both come in to this game with a perfect 5-0 record. The matchup features Pittsburgh's defense (2nd in the league) against Tennessee's offense (likewise rated the league's 2nd in its category). The Steelers run defense in particular is very good, and I think they can contain Derrick Henry in this one. Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh offense can move the ball as well against the Titans defense, and they can win the battle of the undefeated in a close one on the road. Pittsburgh wins, 31-27.

Green Bay at Houston... Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers are favored to bounce back from last week's blowout loss and win this game in Houston... and clearly they are the better team. But... couple things give me reason to believe this game can be the upset of the week, especially if it turns into a shoot-out. The Houston Texans are at home, and have been playing much better these last couple weeks since making their coaching change... and Deshaun Watson is a pretty good quarterback too, who can pass and run. Green Bay's defense can give up yards and points, and there's a possibility they may be without one of their best offensive weapons too on Sunday, with running back Aaron Jones being added to the injury list late in the week. I think the Packers keep it closer than the Tampa Bay game, but Houston wins 31-30.

Cleveland at Cincinnati... Ugh. I don't like this game. Cincinnati wins, 23-17.

Carolina at New Orleans... Some people will probably look at this game and give the Carolina Panthers a fighting chance to pull off the upset. I'm going the other way... I think this game will be the most one-sided of the week. Saints quarterback Drew Brees has certainly been less then stellar this year, but he really doesn't need to do much here except protect the ball... I expect the run game and defense to dominate and New Orleans wins, 24-0.

Detroit at Atlanta... Bold prediction, the final combined score will be under 100. Maybe not by much though. The quarterbacks are Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford. Playing in a dome. Neither the Lions nor Falcons play any defense. Atlanta wins, 48-37.

Dallas at Washington... I'd really like to pick Washington but, well... (cue Stephen A Smith here).... THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A NAME!!! Anyway, I think Dallas can find a way to get back on track despite all their issues. Andy Dalton has a proven record as a starting quarterback (in the regular season anyway) and Ezekiel Elliott isn't going to keep fumbling the ball away. Dallas wins, 31-23.

Tampa Bay at Las Vegas... The Raiders entire offensive line is out. Yes... all 5 starters! Out? Out! That's probably not going to be good for Derek Carr. That's probably not going to be good for anyone. Well, except for the Bucs that is. Tampa Bay wins, 31-7.

Jacksonville at L.A. Chargers... The Jaguars are bad. The Chargers are, well... not quite as bad. And they're coming off a bye too, not to mention... playing at home. Los Angeles wins, 31-14.

Kansas City at Denver... The Denver Broncos are trending upwards, and coming off a big win. Last week, they went into Foxboro and kicked 6 field goals, outscoring and sending the mighty New England Patriots 20 year long dynasty crumbling to the ground! (well, for one week anyway!) But I digress. This Sunday, they're facing the Chiefs at home in what is forecasted to be the first snow game of the season. The Broncos do have a couple things going for them... an under-rated defense and a talented pair of running backs which should have success against the Chief's run defense, especially in the type of weather conditions expected. Though I think Denver keeps it close for 3 quarters, Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs can be expected to pull away in the 4th. Kansas City wins, 28-13.

San Francisco at New England... They're my two favorite teams in the NFL. This is a must-win game for both the 49ers and the Patriots. The Patriots, because they can't afford to fall to 2-4... and the 49ers, because it would put them further behind in the most competitive division in the league. Expect a low-scoring and close game. New England wins, 20-16.

Seattle at Arizona... The Cardinals have been playing over their heads a little bit to start the year, but the Seahawks will give them a real good test. It should be a fun one to watch. Seattle wins 27-24.

Chicago at L.A. Rams... Finally we get to the last one. It's the Monday night football match-up this week, and I anticipate a strong defensive showing from both sides... with the advantage going to the home team. Los Angeles wins, 24-19.

That's it. Enjoy the games!